Heart's Longing

For the past few days, I've been pinching myself to prevent me from feeling so "blue". I thought it's just the weather or perhaps it's another cycle of hormal imbalance. I am trying my darn best to resist what I am feeling deep within me...

When my talk-therapy with Dr. Ignacio (my psychiatrist) ended months ago I conditioned myself that I don't have the right to feel sad, lonely or depress - - I should be feeling up and about the whole time. I think my BIGGEST fear these days is to land at Dr. Ignacio's clinic again (I beg you, Lord, spare me, please!)

Seeing a psychiatrist is one of my blessings in life ( I believe that it made me a better person!) But to see a psychiatrist (again) because of "relapse" is another story - - not again, please!

Everytime I feel that I'm beginning to fall into the trap of feeling "blue", I always ask someone if feeling sad, lonely and depress is still normal and surely, alll the people I've asked tell me that "yes, it's normal!" Thank God, I'm no different!!!

Now, why do I feel this way? Hmmmm.... My friend Joe F. thinks that I am only wearing a mask when I say that "I am happy with my life!" With all honestly, I can say that "it is not a show!" I am not pretending that I am somebody I am not. What you see is what you get!!! This is me! I don't have to remove the mask because there is no mask at all - - promise!!!

I guess, one of the things that Dr. Ignacio taught me is to be honest with your feelings and emotions - - don't keep it to yourself! And I've learned to be "open" and "true" for the sake of keeping my sanity right on the right track!!!

Anyway, back to why I am feeling blue . . . Why oh why? Well, It is because I miss Roy! Yes, we've been "out" of each other's life for a period of time already but there are still days that my heart and my entire being long for him...

Have I moved on? I think so... I have accepted the fact that we are no longer together and I do things on my own and I find happiness, contentment and peace being "single!"

Did I Let-Go of him already? No and I don't think it will ever come. How can you let go of someone whom you have spent years of your life with? Someone who treated you like a princess and has loved your family as if he were an official part of it.

I think, no matter where life will head me to my heart's longing for Roy will always be there....

Yes, he will forever have a special place in my heart where nobody can ever occupy...

My prayer for today goes like this: I know that I can't take care of Roy now, I am requesting you my God to please take care of Roy on my behalf.... Kiss, embrace him for me.... And if it's your will, give him back to me - - In Your Time!!! "

I have offered my heart's longing to God, may He use it to make me a better and stronger person!!!