Scared of Pain...

At age 30, I've been through a lot already - - physical pain brought by an ailment that has no cure; emotional pain brought by failed expectations - - say it, I've experienced them all... I know that life will never be perfect and as I continue to embrace life, I will be experiencing more. But I'm not sure if the trials that I've been through made me a stronger person by now. If there is one thing that I am sure of though, the challenges that I've experienced made me a better person... But I know that "better" is far different from "stronger" - - I guess, if there is one thing that I am not sure of, it's my readiness to face the frustations of life without feeling fully affected by it....

Honestly, I'm still scared of pain - - most especially the kind of pain that roots from the emotions. Until now, my biggest fear is to "land" at Dr. Ignacio's clinic again... Because of this, any slight change in my emotions, I become so paranoid.

Every other month, it's a personal decision to visit Dr. Ignacio - - to make sure that I am really okay. I don't want to experience what I went through almost two years ago - - that's my BIGGEST fear!!! Heaven forbid!!!

I am very scared of frustration. I can't take NO for an answer!!! And because of this, I have developed this attitude of taking 1 step backward than taking few steps forward... If I'm "falling" for someone and NOT sure if he can reciprocate how I feel - - I'd prefer to stay away from the person rather than landing in the "frustration and depression trap".

I know it's being selfish but if there is one thing I've learned from my Kuya Noy, it's this: "kung ayaw mo ako, ayaw kita - - double!"
Pero it doesn't mean that I don't know how to LOVE (or I'm scared to Love!) because I'm not. If I have a choice, I love being in-love and I am not scared to give myself to someone...

I believe that I need somebody special to share my blessings, joys and life with. But after a failed relationship, I became more careful, less trusting, and more demanding, less willing to compromise - - hoping that I don't get hurt again. This doesn't mean that I have shut myself out of any and all intimate relationships...

I am still making "kulit" God to give me na Mr. Someone who can help me overcome my fear of emotional pain....

May God Help Me!!!